My Response:
The Original:
Kaszet walked into the amphitheatre and sighed, looking around. It was a large theatre built to seat hundreds and made entirely out of stone. The power and history of the place descended on her every time she stepped inside. As always she was last to arrive; it was tradition. She was, after all, Rzhon. It was the only way for the others to show her the respect she commanded. This was what she had been taught the first week she had taken on this job.
Two years before, nearly to the day, a Kaelyr she had never seen before and had not seen since, had instructed her on the ways of the Rzhon. Then she had been so eager to start her duties. Honoured to have been chosen. Now she was simply ready to be done.
Though she only attended five meetings with the council, each had been tediously long, one had even managed to last over a week. It seemed to her as if they went over the same issues each time. They kept being brought up because the countries ont he council never seemed able to agree on anything. Arguments ensued over the smallest of issues, each unwilling to give an inch. She had long ago learned that she could not fall into the role so many of the recent Rzhon had.
To simply sit there as a figurehead. She had the power to stop their arguments. It was the true purpose of the Rzhon, though for years the position had been looked at as nothing more than an honour bestowed on a person. Now she was not afraid to speak up. To tell them to stop fighting. It made the meetings go quicker, though not nearly fast enough.
This was the third day they would sit in the sun of the Neutral Land and debate over the most pressing of issues in their lands. Disputes between countries over trading rights and travel passage; all of it gave Kaszet a headache. She had always assumed that the council would discuss more important matters.
Today, though, they would. Their topic for this, the last day of discussions, was one that Kaszet was passionate about, though she would have no vote unless the council tied. Which they would not. She did not have to even hear the presenter speak before she knew what each council member would vote.
As her white skirts billowed behind her the six figures behind the table stood and bowed in respect. The Kaelyr sat on the far right of the slightly curved stone table that looked out on the nearly empty seats. Though three Kaelyr ran their country, they held only one seat on the council. Today this seat was occupied by
Kalara, the least likable of the three. As all Kaelyr, she was tall, standing at just over six feet, with a frame that could only be described as willowy. Her feathers, which hung from her head as hair does on most people, were a dull brown colour.
Reworked:
The amphitheatre was large, built to seat hundreds and made entirely out of stone. The power and history of the place descended on me every time the council met. As tradition demanded, I was the last to arrive. It was only right for the others to show the Rzhon the respect the title demanded. At least, that was what I had been taught the first week after being appointed.
It had been two years, nearly to that day. I could still remember the Kaelyr, with her sour face and annoyed glances that had taught me the ways of the Rzhon. Not once has she appeared again in all of that time. I had been so eager to start. It was a sacred duty to be chosen, but now there was nothing I wanted more than to simply be done.
The five council meetings in the two year term of Rzhon had each been tediously long. One had even lasted over a week. The same issues brought up over and over again, all because none of the five countries could agree on any one subject. Arguments had ensued over the smallest of issues, each council member unwilling to give even an inch. It had not taken me long to learn that they expected the Rzhon to be nothing more than the figurehead it had become. I had been determined, however, to use the power that went with the title. Arguments were stopped, and - as was the true purpose of the Rzhon - I had commanded that they settle their disputes. It had been enough to keep most of the meetings confined to a matter of days, but it still hadn’t been short enough, and it certainly hadn’t earned me the admiration of the council members.
This was the third day the council would sit in the sun of the Neutral Land and debate over the most pressing of issues in their lands. Trading rights and travel passage took precedence over more important topics, and it was all giving me a headache.
Soon, thought, the last topic of the day would be discussed. It was one that I cared greatly about, though the Rzhon did not get to vote unless the council tied. And they would not tie. Not once in the last two years had a single vote changed when this topic was brought up, and today’s presenter was not going to make that any less true than the others has.
The white skirts of the traditional Rzhon dress billowed out behind me and the six council members already seated at the curved table sitting before the rows of stone seats stood to bow in respect. The Kaelyr, a strange people as different from my own as they could be, sat on the far right of the table. Though three Kaelyr ran the country, they held only one seat on the council. Today that seat was occupied by Kalara, the least likable of the three. As all Kaelyr do, she was tall, standing at just over six feet, with a frame that could only be described as willowy. Her feathers, which hung as hair does on most people, were a dull brown colour.
As always, I would love to hear what you think of what I did today. Or, if you are inspired and do the exercise, I would love to see what you came up with. Post in the comments section below.
All exercises are taken from The 3 A.M. Epiphany by Brian Kiteley
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